ARTICLE FROM COSMOPOLITAN.COM
BDSM - A beginners guide
It’s likely you’ll have heard a lot more about BDSM in recent years. And anyone wanting to explore the world of bondage and BDSM sex for the first time should, rightfully, be super excited... but you do also need to know a few things before you go in all spanking paddles blazing.
So, what exactly is BDSM?
BDSM is a term used to described certain aspects of sex that can be split into these major groups: bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.
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At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have.
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"Although some people think that BDSM is 'kinky', in some cases it doesn't have to involve sex at all – the mental connotations of some acts are more of a turn-on than the prelude of a particular act leading to sex," says one expert.
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Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.
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Educate yourself first
Get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean:
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Bondage and discipline: Bondage is a form of sex play that focuses on restraint. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints. Discipline is the practice of training a “submissive” to obey, follow rules, or perform certain acts. Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive one.
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Dominance and submission: The practice of giving power or control (submission) to another who then takes it (dominance). Dominance and submission can be emotional, physical, or both, and the dynamic can be played out in sexual acts—or through acts of being in control/acts of service. For some, the roles are full-time (including outside the bedroom), while for others, the roles are only taken on at predetermined times of erotic encounter.
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Sadism and masochism: The acts of sadism and masochism are performed by people who derive pleasure from pain. The sadist enjoys inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain. Remember: This is pleasurable and one of the safest forms of sex because of the significant amount of work put into boundary-setting and open communication. Most people who engage in sadism or masochism enjoy a sense of empowerment from enduring something difficult.
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Your first experiences don't have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you're naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don't particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).
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Start with a fantasy
A lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, don't know what to do next and decide BDSM isn’t for them. Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you! Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.
Not sure what does it for you? Read some BDSM stories that have empowerment themes or watch ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.
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Then talk to each other
​Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It's extremely important that you're as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don't want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.
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From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you're both comfortable throughout the process.
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Make an agreement
Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn't a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you're dating or married.
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This way you'll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner's boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what's to come (emphasis on come).
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Pick a neutral setting
Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, where you'll feel most comfortable. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it's a place you feel safe, you're good to go.
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Come up with a safe word
Informed consent between individuals is known as SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) or RACK (Risk-aware Consensual Kink). It's common practice for lovers who indulge in regular BDSM acts to introduce a safe word, which when spoken ensures that the current act stops immediately if things start to get out of hand.
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It can be a word unrelated to sex, such as 'pineapple' for example, just as long as you both agree that your chosen safety word means everything must stop until the situation immediately. Ask your partner if they're okay, stay by their side until they've expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they'll need from that moment forward.
Check for emotional safety, too!
That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene, for example, giving two light taps to let eash other know that you’re feeling good. If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.
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BDSM and bondage sex toys for beginners
Most couples experienced in BDSM suggest beginner couples leave out accessories and equipment for your first few times, and instead focus entirely on each other. One says, "Becoming accustomed to a role as a dominant lover takes time, even if you're used to leading sex. All lights are on you and what you're going to do next."
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Start with basic sensory deprivation, using a blindfold stops the wearer from seeing what is happening and handcuffs prevent them from moving.
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Make sure you talk afterwards
The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves. This conversation, typically called "aftercare," is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.
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The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that's a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.
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Read the original articles at Womenshealthmag.com & Cosmopolitan.com